?

Log in

Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Tags My Website
 
 
 
 
 
 


I am not okay today. I am not. I want to kill myself. but I wont because my son needs me. someone tell me ill be okay?

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

triggerCollapse )

last night my fiance went to the bar with his buddy, mom, I stayed behind because im not old enough.sister,  and brother-in-law. they left at 8:30 and were supposed to only be out for a little while, until about 10:30-10:00. well they stayed until the bar closed at 2:00am. they my fiance and his buddy got a couple of 40ozs and were out drinking until about 4:30am.

 

Im so disappointed in him. drinking like that is not like him. at all. and ever since he started hanging out with this new friend of his he has been drinking more consumption wise and more frequently... and to be honest that scares me.

 

I used to have a drinking problem when I was a teenager but i worked hard to fix my problems.. and my maternal grandfather was a severely abusive alcoholic.  I know first hand how alcoholism directly affects not only yourself but those around you. it destroys families in the blink of an eye.

 

im not disappointed that he was out all night or that he drank. but I am disappointed that he was out drinking for 7 1/2 hours. one drink aftet another. I told him im terrified that he will become an alcoholic. he said he wouldnt become an alcoholic.  and I replied with,"hmm I think ill become an alcoholic today". and ge said I know. and thats pretty much where the conversation ended.

 

and then there's the jealousy aspect of this all. I wasn't there so I dont know what he was doing. and being the control freak that I am its driving me nuts not knowing what he was up to. he could have been talking to other girls and I would never know. I know Matt loves me,  but im jaded. men are men. men will be men. im fat and ugly and im sure there were girls there far more attractive than myself and that scares me. (if you cant tell I have extremely low self-esteem and severe paranoia issues..)

 

im spending the night at his house so hopefully we can talk about this whole mess but I have a feeling that it will just get swept under the rug like these things usually do.

 

its sad. I had to take 2mg of Xanax today just to be able to cope with my son (hes in his terrible twos). and I had to take another 2 mg before I got over my fiances house so im not so on edge so were dont have a screaming match tonight when I (hopefully) try and talk this all out.
I hate having to be dependent on Xanax but sometimes, most of the time, I need atleast 5-6mg to get through my day. if I dont take it I get so overwhelmed that I just shut down.
and this past week or so ive been a mess. moods all over the place. the urge to cut is rising. i told my mom that i was at the point where i wanted to end my own life. everything is so overwhelming.  the voices in my head are screaming at me.I have no control over my temper. I have no patience. im so quick to jump and I hate it. fuck being bipolar.

 

I've been taking my medication on time every day since ive been prescribed them.
I switch psychiatrists and he told me that Haldol is an anti-psychotic,  not a BP medication.  so my new doctor wants to put me back on Lithium and actually do it right and get blood panels like youre supposed to. my old psychiatrist put me on Lithium but never had me tested for my level so if didnt work.
but im looking forward to starting it again and doing it the proper way.hopefully it will help control my moods

 

do any of you ladies and gents take Lithium? what are your experiences? side effects? anything I should know or look out for?

and how should I approach my fiance about this whole drinking thing?
HELP

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


im at a friends baby shower. I ate two pieces of pineapple.  gods give me the strength to not eat anything else. if I eat any more today,  I wont forgive myself

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

how I feel right now

 

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

thats it. after dinner tonight,  im fasting for the next couple of days. I need this. I need to be skinny again. I need strength.  I need power.

 

 

wish me luck..

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


lost another 5 lbs. the feeling is great yet I feel so damn out of control.

 

is it bad that I want to spiral downwards into oblivion? I want to destroy myself from the inside out.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

im out of control.
doing a liquid cleanse for the next couple of days.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

im at big lots. I was going to get some ramen noodles but I didnt. be proud of me...

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


ive been so out of control lately. well I suppose im eating normally but I feel so out of control.
ive already eaten today. but im done. done.

 

not eating again today. not eating tomorrow. 

 

22 lbs til im pre pregnancy weight. my goal was to be that by the end of summer but thats not happening. the voice in my head is furious. I wont be able to lose that by then
but that doesnt mean I cant try.

 

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


ive been so out of control lately. well I suppose im eating normally but I feel so out of control.
ive already eaten today. but im done. done.

 

not eating again today. not eating tomorrow. 

 

22 lbs til im pre pregnancy weight. my goal was to be that by the end of summer but thats not happening. the voice in my head is furious. I wont be able to lose that by then
but that doesnt mean I cant try.

 

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


I havent posted in a while. . hows everyone been?

 

ive gained five pounds and i feel like its the end of the world. I graduate beauty school in two weeks and i want to look nice in the dress I bought for the occasion.  things are looking up for me. I graduate soon. I just got my old job back in  a salon. but its hard to keep my head up when I look like a fat disgusting whale...

 


ive been eating so much lately.  granted its still small portions but I mean ive been eating two or three times a day. it truly disgusts me.

 

someonehelpme.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


gw2 achieved!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


going to my cousins birthday party tomorrow. lots of temptation and alcohol. save me from myself

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


purple diesel! yum

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


soo purple..! hope you ladies are flying high.!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


soo purple..! hope you ladies are flying high.!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

things feel better . except that I get extremely emotional when I'm sick

 


but I'm on a steroid and an antibiotic and I'm starting to feel better.
being alive is a good thing.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


I really just want to die right now.
someone... save me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


I really just want to die right now.
someone... save me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

I love the feeling of my body starving...
is that bad?

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

I binged on tilapia last night. ate the entire damn bag except one piece.
I know I was craving protein, but wow... just wow.

 

save me.

 

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

I binged on tilapia last night. ate the entire damn bag except one piece.
I know I was craving protein, but wow... just wow.

 


save me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

I binged on tilapia last night. ate the entire damn bag except one piece.
I know I was craving protein, but wow... just wow.

 


save me.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

it should read less tomorrow. I've burnt more than I consume today as well as yesterday and the day before.

 

oh, Ana ... why must you dissect me into pieces?

 

I try and try and try some more yet failure and my lack of self control just slap me cold in the face.

 

not eating tomorrow. only my red bull and Adderall.( it help with the compulsive, self- injurious racing thoughts..) the lack of appetite is just a bonus.

 

gods, help me.
then again, on the other hand....
I love where I'm at.

 

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

I haven't cut in over three years. and all I can think about right now is doing so. I feel so overwhelmed and hopeless this past week and I don't even know why.

 


I want to go to crisis but I don't want them to take my son away. I don't want to lose him because I'm crazy...
someone help me....

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

I will not eat. I will not eat. (but I'm hungry.. ) I will not eat. I will not eat.

 

... its my body and no one can force me.

 

ya know sometimes I hate how everything I do or say or think revolves around killing myself slowly from the inside out. sometimes I hate being " like this".
then I hear my tummy growl and the satisfaction grows, so I shut up and hunker down and let nature take its course. after Ana is the only one that ever got me anywhere.
I crave stability

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


I haven't eaten today,  but that's probably until about 10 tonight, as is usually the case.. it wasn't as intentional today, but it is what is is , I guess.

 


hope everyone is doing well .
stay strong,

 

<3may

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 


I gained a pound.  I know its just a pound... but its still gaining a pound.... ugh

 
 
 
 
 
 

possible triggerCollapse )

hope all you beautiful ladies & gents are having a good and productive day!

 

<3may</p>
 
 
 
 
 
 

bad day, just wanna leave school.
I'd go but you can't make up the hair cut/ color cycle.  blaah

 


I feel so out of control.. can't even starve myself properly ..but I suppose that's a good thing. ugh.

 
 
 
 
 
 


oh,Ana... why must you make the scale dance so? you're games are growing weary. just give me a signn

 
 
 
 
 
 

once again, Ana has come back into the light..
ive been a member of this forum for years, buts its been a couple of months since I've been on,, I was doing good but then I'm not really sure what happened ...
may, 19. mommy, of beautiful baby Matthew [10•24•11] and fiance of Matt <3 [11•21•10]
oh yeah, beauty school & the ganja:D

 

This is my nth relapse and I'm sure it will not be the last .

 

what's up everyone? <3

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

 
 
 
 
 
 

even more excited! despite wearing a tanktop, shirt, skirt, shorts, a bra, undies, and a belt, the scale is
still slightly less than yesterday morning when I was naked.

 

aaaaand I've been gulping water down in large amounts today.

 


soo my numbers are less, and they will continue to fall until Ana says differently.

 

 

I just got out of GED class, and I'm waiting for my mother in law to get out of therapy. so imma walk around the welfare complex in the meantime.

 

hope all is well!

 
 
 
 
 
 


this morning, I saw a few numbers that I haven't seen in a year or two, not since my pregnancy.  and it makes me so happy.

 

im down damn near 38 lbs since I uhh.. rediscovered Ana's path a little over 2 months ago. that makes me feel proud.

 


I was feeling a bit weary,  for I could feel my light, my drive diminishing. but since have found myself and my way.

 


my ED and I have a love::hate relationship.
I love to hate on myself.  it gives me my control,  visual results, self -gratification,  a high like no other.. it makes me feel alive, sorta by showing me what dieing slowly fast is like. its enrichment for me.

 

half the time, I feel like this is my ONLY salvation, lost in the chords of time.

 
 
 
 
 
 

Read more... **triggerCollapse )

I feel worthless and soooo out of control.  fuck.fuck. fuckity fuck.

 

hope all is well
ss;tt
<3may</p>
 
 
 
 
 
 


there's been a lot on my mind lately ...

Read more... **triggerCollapse )

I hope all is well.
ss;tt

 
 
 
 
 
 


considered stepping on to see if any has come off... still debating if I'm gonna or not. here are my options:
1. step on and break it, then not eat for a few days.

 

2. step on and feel so disgusted at the number that I don't eat a few days or.

 

3. step on then off again to happy dance at the integer I see and use this as a motivational piece to not eat a few days .

 

or

 

4. put off weighing in for a few days, in hopes to deter myself, but just become disappointed anyway, then not eat for a few days.

 


regardless of what I do do, ill never be satisfied. these numbers will always be too high.

 

I'm just pretty bummed. 
gonna go weigh myself, then smoke a cigarette.
not know is driving me crazy, but I'm sure knowing will drive me mad.

 

sigh:/

 

ss;tt
<3may

 
 
 
 
 
 

yesterday .... yesterday, yesterday,  yesterday ....
it was terrible.

 

Read more...Collapse )

how are you lovely ladies&gents?
ss;tt
<3may

 
 
 
 
 
 

Sour Diesel + Syrhenn(my piece)=a very happy may ;3

 

how are you lovely ladies doing?

 

stay lifted,
<3may

 
 
 
 
 
 


today is going to suck. majorly. bad. ughhhh.

 

I'm already 420 in the hole today, I really wish it was 0. but yet again, my mom was pushing I eat something. :/

 


its my Dads birthday too.... fuck. I hate birthdays. why can't we be Jehovah Witnesses!?

 
 
 
 
 
 


fasting today? I think so. I ate 'normal' again lastnl night.. sorta..

 

possible triggerCollapse )

I feel all groggy again, my stomach hurts and I can't focus. I ended up leavinf my GED classes and going home early. only to find out my family is going out and I can't go with them because there's only 6 spaces, and 7 of us..  and I hate being alone.  ugh fml.

 


hows everyone's day so far?

 

ss;tt
<3 may

 
 
 
 
 
 


so my mother in law just told me I need to start a diet..

 


my inlaws are all over weight, so my boyfriend's sisters and brother are starting a diet and plan to change their lifestyles. and his mom had the audacity to tell a person with an ED they need to start I diet.....could she be any more callus? then asked, "is she pissed at me now?" in the most cold voice.

 

and she knows of my ' food issues '.  I've talked to her about it before when I was pregnant and feeling bad about myself.

 

and I guess she fails to notice the 40+ lbs I've lost since the beginning of may....

 


fuckfuckfuck.
and I was already feeling incredibly guilty and self conscious because I ate something for dinner..

 

I just started silently bawling my eyes out.
like are you serious!?

 
 
 
 
 
 

almost threw it all awayCollapse )


I risked everything I've been working so hard on for so long just for some instant gratification ..:/

 

while I am disappointed, I understand that it is what it is and that today is a new day.

 

waking up, I feel so gross. groggy. and like I have a building in me that wont budge. fortunately enough, I hadn't even gained. just didn't lose. oh well, .1lb but that's so insignificant.  *sigh.

 

I was hoping these numbers went down. but after what had happened this morning , I'm just is relieved they didn't to up. I probably would have broke down

 

I want this so bad. why is this all so much harder this time around? I don't get it.

 

I know you shouldn't begin/end your fast on junk, but at this point I don't care. I slipped up big time but its not the end of the world. I
plan on easing my fast today and resuming it tomorrow after breakfast, just so I can have 2 good healthy  meals in me when I resume. tomorrow is far away, plenty time for a fresh start.

 

on a side note, I'm actually starting to developed ABS again! and if any of you have delivered a 8lb15oz, 20 3/4" baby in 35 minutes, you'll understand. for the longest time after I had me son, I wasn't even able to sit up from a reclined or laying position because my abdominal muscles were that stretched out and weak from my chunkabutt. I would actually need help for months, ha. but now when I touch my tummy, behind my flab, are tiny muscles! haha:)

 


hope all is well,

 

ss;tt
<3may,</p>
 
 
 
 
 
 

day 2 updateCollapse )

either waay, I feel as though ill be good for a long while and like I can take on the world.

 


hanging my laundry& feeling optimistic.
going for a nice long walk later

 

ss;tt
<3may</p>
 
 
 
 
 
 

Day 2Collapse )

today is also 20 months for my wonderful boyfriend and I. he makes me so very elated that I often find myself lost in his gaze, often find myself so enamored by him that I just melt. I adore it. I adore him. and even though we may argue like were married 50 years, I still can't refuse him. he's my other half.

 

Matt looks past my flaws. looks past my fatness, my EDNOS, accepts that I'm mentally ill, AND STILL LOVES ME THE SAME. I want to marry this man someday, I want him to make me his wifeee<3 I hope it eventually happens , ha.  it doesn't even feel like its been 20 months, and I can only ask the gods for another 20 months with him<3

 

I know you're not necessarily supposed to, butCollapse )

regardless, today will be an awfully long day. I barely slept(again, although 3 31/2 he's is better than 45 minutes. , I have lots to do today, and my hubby's working, gods only know when he gets off. with his job, you never know. but he's working a 9 HR shift getting paid 50$ a day, after taxes. so its not bad, I'm not complaining.  I'm actually proud of him. EITHER WAY!! today is just going to draggg outttt sooooo slowwwww.

 

so ill be posting frequently,  also as a way to keep myself on track. seeing what you lovely ladies&gents are doing help keeps me straight.

 


sorry for the long, jumbled post.
hope all is well,!
<3 may</p>
 
 
 
 
 
 


Read more...Collapse )

I gotta wake the hubby up at 6 tomorrow for work,, so I'm just gonna finish my Newport, take a nice shower, and sip my mint & chamomile tea (w/water&splenda! !) then hope that I can actually sleep tonight since I slept 45 min last night, and an hour each night before that for the last 3 days. yay, insomnia!

 

hope all is well,

 

nighty night
<3may

 
 
 
 
 
 


only 280 since that catastrophe this morning.  and I feel pretty good.  Day 2-3 is usually the worst for me..

 

either way, I got this!

 


hope all is well,
ss;tt
<3may

 
 
 
 
 
 

**trigger**-- fastingCollapse )

 
 
 
 
 
 


went out to one of those public places where it's all you can have... i was fairly good but now i feel all gross and bloated ... ugh. and probably gained a shitload....
how come losing 2 is the greatest feeling in the world, but gaining 2 is the end of it all.....
its like c'mon, its just 2..... I'm pathetic.  I hate the way my brain works.

 


fasting until at least Saturday ... might just cleanse myself of these.."toxins"..*sigh

 

hope all is well!
ss;tt
<3 may